The TARDIS is in a village, well planet where the set looks suspiciously like the one where Clara was killed, as a man calls out for a surgeon and knocks on the door. The Doctor (Peter Capaldi) agrees and ends up at a flying saucer, as a woman in a cloak approaches. It's River Song (Alex Kingston) of course! But she doesn't recognize the Doctor who immediately does her, of course. She introduces him to hr husband, a man's head inside a machine, which looked more like a giant robot in the vein of a lobster! No, really. So as they tip toe around, but more vocally in who he is, King Hydraflax (Greg Davies) (how many times was that name mentioned) and he needs an operation, which the surgeon will perform. Naturally the Doctor has no idea of how to remove the projectile in his head. As River takes the head, she shows him a hologram image of the projectile which is actually a diamond. She needs the diamond, the most famous and valuable diamond i the universe. During all this she still has no inkling who he is.
She's an archaeologist and says she was hired to find the diamond, still insisting she didn't marry Hyrdaflax but the diamond. She was his nurse and they were married within a week. The Doctor saying she was a fast worker, whilst all the time trying to keep a straight face. His body which is more a computer manages to catch up to them after taking Nardole's (Matt Lucas) head. However they manage to put his head in a bag and get away to the TARDIS. Meeting Ramone (Phillip Rhys) on the way, as River shares passionate kisses with him, to the doctor's chagrin, well he wasn't too pleased. Ramone's her husband, but they're not married yet. Also she pulls out the pictures of all twelve Doctors she's looking for and he does try to drop massive hints as to who, or WHO he really is! Even attempting to point to his chin. As we recall Doctor Eleven had plenty of jokes made about his big chin!! Ha. Ahh the good old days. But she hasn't heard the Doctor now has a new face. Where's she been then.
She says she's stealing the TARDIS, changing the name to a box and she has a key. She needs to time travel and she has a key. The Doctor also referring to it as the TARDIS, er box. She warns him it's not so snug on the inside and true enough the Doctor plays along and acts shocked. Going on about how shocked he really is and spouting lots of lines on the technicality of it all and he always wanted to say that. A scene to savour! She comments about being taught technical things at his medical school. As he tells her not to push a certain button. They're not able to take off since the head is slit from its body and so the doors aren't able to close, but not for long.
The body finds Ramone and takes his head too and takes off like a Transformer, well no other way to describe it. Finding the TARDIS it comes in and River closes the door as they take off and arrive on a ship, a cruise ship: "Harmony and Redemption" which was neither on this starship, as River puts it, "it's where genocide comes to kick back and relax." This one containing all the criminals and bad people, where they come for a holiday. So there weren't any tears shed when they met their doom. Just desserts. Even the Doctor doesn't regret it.
River orders a table for dinner and wants the baggage hold secured. At this point Hydraflax's head speaks and the Doctor says it's his stomach. At the table, after spraying herself a new outfit, she pulls out the diary. The blue book the Doctor gave her and she says time is short for her as she's coming to the end of her diary ad the Doctor told her this once. She then makes a bargain with Scratch (Robert Curtis) Scratch appropriately having an awfully large scratch across his face and head. Having the money transferred to a bank account. However all the people on the ship are loyal to Hyrdaflax. As the Doctor turns the events into a bidding auction and they bow before Hydraflax.
Shifty Flemming (Rowan Polonski) makes a bargain with the body saying he knows where he can get an ever better head. So as they enter a stalemate. As he reads from her diary, River states she doesn't know where the Doctor is. He doesn't love her and so wouldn't be here to rescue her. She loves him but he doesn't return the favour. The body scans her and finds she's not lying. All this time the Doctor wants to stop her especially when she says it can scan the ship for two hearts. Yes she went too far and the Doctor finally says, "hello Sweetie." River's catchphrase. She times all this to the second as there's an impending meteor strike and they've calculated the exits. The body disintegrates the head as it's no longer required, revealing the diamond. The meteorite hits and they make their escape. However the body finds them too. The diamond falls from the ceiling and River catches it in her bodice. She runs to fix the engines and the Doctor will deal with the body.
Talking of stock markets the Doctor plants the ball containing banking information on the body as a head and it can't deal with the influx of information and the firewall, having a massive breakdown. The Doctor joking it couldn't deal with the markets. River tries to stop the ship from heading to the planet and the Doctor tells her that's his job. She recognizes the planet as Derrillium (delirium?) but he doesn't want her on the ship as it's about to crash. He transports her into the TARDIS, however she gets out and there's no time to save the ship. So they both head for the TARDIS, as it takes the brunt of the impact of the crash, they're knocked out. The Doctor gets up first and sees the crashed ship outside. He then makes the TARDIS move again and opens the door once again. Taking the diamond from the floor. He runs into a worker who looked for survivors but there aren't any, the Doctor telling him they won't be missed not being good. He tells him to build a restaurant here and gives him the diamond to get the hefty reward for it. What if he kept the diamond for himself.
He then returns again for reservations to the restaurant and has to wait four years for an opening on Christmas Day. He brings River here and she changes once again. Did he read her diary, or there's really no need as he knows what's in there. She listens to the singing and then talk about her time nearing the end cos of the diary. But adding he's the Doctor and there's always some last minute thing he does and fixes everything. Echoing Clara when she thought he could save her.
She catches him crying and he replies it's the wind. He's sad but she's sad too. He talks of how nothing lasts forever and things come to an end and can't be changed. Obviously he's still lamenting Clara, not that we'd expect that to be mentioned here. That's the impression, but he's not supposed to remember her. As I said, he probably does. He can't be sad for River. Firstly he hasn't thought about her in a long time and secondly River's not really going anywhere. She asks him how long this night is on the planet and he replies 24 years. Cue lots of laughter...
Past eps mentioned include The Pandorica Opens, and The Byzantium, which was apparently made into a movie and Manhattan. All eps with River and where Amy and Rory ended up. As read from her diary. This episode wasn't going to be dark, as the rest of series 9, it is Christmas after all, but it was going to have plenty of comedy, that's always expected when River's around and boy have we missed River! As well as a sombre moment at the end, it was needed especially to have a conclusion to her line of nearing the end of her diary. Which was first mentioned in the eps The Silence in the Library and Forest of the Dead. Well it was a conclusion of sorts, she's got plenty of time yet. Oh and the Sonic, he gives her a gift of a proper Sonic, whilst still using the shades here. So what happened to the return of the Sonic at the end of 9.12?
Lots of choice lines and jokes from the Doctor in this festive episode and none of the mushy stuff entered the picture until the end, when the Doctor and River end up on Derillium, the singing planet where River said he promised to take her to diner, but always cancelled. Was there a reason for him cancelling, like wanting to prolong her life. This time they actually get there, Christmas Day four years later after the events of the ship.
Funny one liners as the Doctor needing a flowchart to explain things and "I'm going to need a bigger flowchart." Other moments included when they landed on the snow and the Doctor has a moment of uncontrollable laughter. At least he had it in him to smile, especially after past events. As well as his hologram antlers on the Doctor's head at the beginning which the TARDIS has planted there.
Was this River's final moments and swan song, hopefully not, but nothing is final or permanent on Doctor Who. River's not recognizing the Doctor also was a twist on The Silence of the Library ep, where she knows him but he doesn't know her. It's nice when that bit of continuity shows up. Also the bittersweet moment when she remarks on how she loves the Doctor more than he could love anyone and how the legends say this is where they spend their final moments together. A bit of a one night stand thing here, except going on for 24 years! Ha. Okay I don't know why I said that! Bittersweet cos the Sonic is the same one that she used to save Doctor Ten and lost her life in the process. As they also discussed being happily ever after doesn't really happen. So ironically all these words appear at the end of the episode and magically vanish away being left with the word "happily" for a few seconds longer.
All in all it was an exciting and very different Christmas ep that we're used to, comical, sad, happy and all emotions rolled into one.
Hey we didn't get the usual 'The Doctor will return' writing at the end of the episode!!
Tongue in cheek title as River only really has one husband and it ain't the head!
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